He uses pillows to masturbate.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
