I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize