I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
