he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Houston, we have a squirter
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
