Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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