i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
