Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
