I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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