God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
