Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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