Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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