I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
