I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
