They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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