you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
