My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
