i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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