I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
