Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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