Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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