apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
