what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
