My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
