Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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