My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
