I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
