before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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