You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
