She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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