so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
