I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
