I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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