just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize