this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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