did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
