A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
