Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
