This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
