The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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