just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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