I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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