someone threw a dead crab at me
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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