oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
