No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
