bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
