Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my vag is so smooth its legendary
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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