you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
im holly from the hills drunk
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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