If i come over, it means nothing
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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