Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
