when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
