ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I understand Curling. That high.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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