batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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