I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
