your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
