I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Randomize
