It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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