I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
