and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
